"No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?"
"Me."

Finding yourself. Looking for something. Self-discovery.
Clichés.

What do they really mean? What am I looking for, where do I look, how will I know if I've found it? If I'm striving to be cookies, how will I know when I'm all cooked and solid and delicious? Is it a futile quest because nobody ever truly finds themselves in the span of a lifetime? Is 'finding yourself' a gift reserved for only some, or can any who look for it get it?

I made a list of questions I wanted to answer for myself weeks ago, in my first attempt at self-reflection, taking my first steps to become Cookies. When I answer them, and all others I have right now, will I be Cookies then? Or will I actually be Cookies when I'm at peace with not necessarily having those answers? What if me as Cookies means I'm a me who constantly questions? Oh God... my brain.

What constitutes a person, what constitutes me? Is it sufficient for me to be a list of traits, qualities, faults or quirks? Am I supposed to be something more? Am I more than the sum of my experiences plus genes? Do YOU know who YOU are? Is knowing who you are reflected in the decisions you make that convey elements of your character? If you lie to one person and are honest to the next, are you a liar or an honest person?

In the past few weeks, I've had the opportunities to make some choices, and I was reminded of some of the traits that I value in myself and others. I have been grateful for those opportunities; before, everything just felt numb, like things were happening around me but I was detached or couldn't feel anything about most events (with rare exceptions, like Eve Carson). Even when I did feel something it didn't quite feel real.

Now I feel everything. I don't like that much either. When it hurts, it really hurts. How can I learn to find the balance? To let the wisdom and patience and peace I know I'm capable of temper the rush of emotions I've been having?

That will be my task for the next few weeks.

...Advice welcome.

Every inch of me is drenched!
My muscles are sore.
My shoes are filled with rain water.

...I feel fantastic!

Tonight after weeks of procrastinating, I went to my very first parkour lesson. DURING A THUNDERSTORM. I am immensely proud of myself for going; I almost assumed it had been canceled due to the rain, but I knew I'd be disappointed with myself if I didn't drive all the way out there to see.

So no, it wasn't jumping out of a plane, but it was something I needed to do to overcome an obstacle - and ironically, that's how the parkour guy explained it. I realized exactly what he meant as he and another guy in a very CHEETAH-like, disgustingly gracefuly way, vaulted over countless barriers, jumped several feet onto railings and held their balance there, and climbed up walls.

"Now you do it." 

Ha! But that was the point. I was/am physically capable, it's the fear of heights/breaking a limb/dying a horrible death that held me back (heh). Parkour will serve as an interesting external metaphor for my internal battles. It's okay that I wasn't doing flips over stuff on my first time? *^_^ I went. *hugglyself!*

I think that's been my problem with things big and small in the past. I expect myself to do them perfectly the first time around, or I won't let myself try them at all. As a result I've probably missed out on some interesting experiences. But I'm getting better at this. :)

After some large recent changes in life, things are starting to morph and blossom. I am eager to see where the world takes me.

When somebody inspires or amazes me, I like to thank them by thinking of a small favor or deed I can do to make their lives easier or happier. I took a "Languages of Love" test once and it indicated that my "love language" was 'acts of service', meaning to make me feel most loved people help me with things! Perhaps this is why I try to do this for others. I hope they 'get it'. :)

I am pleased to say my Anthropology class is complementing my studies and work quite nicely, though one might not assume that it would from the get go. But understanding humanity better, especially culture and the development of culture, can only have good results when my goal in life is to essentially help develop a "culture of caring and community involvement" around me.

Some neat factoids I've picked up so far in anthropology class:

--A tribe in Ecuador practices head-hunting, meaning they go to another tribe, kill a man, and shrink his head over a fire to release his soul, which apparently they believe helps their own crops grow. Not only is this viewed as noble, none interfere with them nor impose moral/legal repercussions for what most Americans (and other cultures) would call 'murder'. Could this be proof of subjective morality? I should point out that these head-hunters are not allowed to ENJOY killing another person; enjoying the act would cause them to be viewed as a bit psychotic. Additionally, the act is considered noble because it is like a sacrifice to essentially feed your people. When looked at from this perspective, could the act be viewed almost like killing within a war - necessary to save your own people?

--A tribe in Africa (I forget the country/region she said) believes that looking at a baby too long is giving them the "evil eye" and causes the baby to become ill. The rationale is that admiring something is coveting it - and being jealous of it or wanting the baby for yourself is bad because envy in this culture is highly frowned upon. As a result this culture is also a very generous and communal one; the highest praise is given to those who GIVE the most - could this cultural trait be developed in cultures like our own?

--Americans are the only ones who switch hands to use a knife at the dinner table and put it down when they aren't using it. Apparently, this is because holding a knife for a prolonged period of time was considered to be an indication of violent intent in the colonial days, when political talks in pubs were quite heated. That is why we still do it today, and it's even found in our etiquette books.

All in all, very interesting. There seems to be a delicate balance and a fine line between appreciating, accepting, and living according to one's own culture and appreciating and accepting others. Europeans make fun of us for shaving, and we think they smell.

I am now reading a fascinating article for class about American Values. Perhaps I will write something about it later.

Each person needs something else, is touched by different things, finds comfort in different words.

I think the message that we are not powerless, that we have the ability to hear bad news and work to make something good of it, would be pervasive in anything I'd say to somebody overwhelmed by bad news.

What do you say when they say you aren't good enough? Do you explain how many hours you've put in? How many nights you couldn't sleep because your mind was filled with worries and ideas? Do you explain the friendships broken, the loneliness, the relationships strained because you focused too hard on your work? Do you describe the countless failures, the disappointments, the let downs, the mistakes and how each one crushed you more than the one before? Do you detail the multitudes of victories, small and big, and how far you've come, how proud you are to see yourself grow out of nothing? Do you beg them to consider the times you doubted yourself, and the times others believed in you? 

It's hard being the "middle child". I've succeeded just enough to be considered accomplished by some, but not quite enough to be considered accomplished by those who can take me further. Unlike some of today's emergent youth "social change prodigies", I didn't start when I was 9 (though had somebody just shown me the way...). I don't have hundreds of followers all over the world. I haven't raised millions of dollars (though if raising money was my main focus, so help me, it would have happened by now).

I keep saying, it's not too late, not by a long shot. I have plenty of time to make a big impact. I'm still young. But why haven't I done as much of these other people yet? I keep trying to figure out what the problem is. Do I lack the inherent intelligence? Do I lack the skills? What is my deficiency? Did I come from the wrong home? The wrong city? Was I born in the wrong time? Do I spend too much time relaxing? Are the moments I allow myself to breathe too much? Do I pay too much attention to people I care about? Not enough? Is my face, just, wrong? Am I seriously not working hard enough? What if I worked harder and I still didn't get ahead faster? If I work hard and succeed, will there be an unbearable cost?

I'd like to blame others, and circumstances I couldn't help. I'd like to blame Marvin for being manipulative and holding me back. I'd like to blame being poor as a kid. I'd like to be mad at people in school who never told me what the Key Club was. It'd probably be easier if I could just blame something other than myself, but I can't, really. And I'll have to get older knowing that anything I didn't do, anything I didn't accomplish, was because something was wrong with me or that something I was doing was wrong.

Mr. Butler always said, if you spend too much time looking behind at what everybody else is doing, by the time you turn back around they'll have whizzed past. But I don't feel like I dwell on this that much. Only when I get a little sting, a little reminder that I haven't changed the world quite yet, do I feel the need to express these things. I don't spend hours milling away, wallowing in self-pity. I work. I work hard. 

And it is hard work. I picked a doozy. "Promoting Volunteerism and Helping Others" isn't like helping the homeless or protecting the environment. In this business we have to be pioneers. We have to figure out what to say, what to do, how to be, the exact right combination of things and words and images that will help others to act. And it's different for every person. What takes longer, catching 1,000 fish and giving them out to the hungry? Or teaching 1,000 people to fish? I have to keep telling myself that, not beat myself up. This takes time. I've always been the type to want results now with everything from physical fitness to finishing school. 

So can I just give up, because it's hard? Duh, of course not. And I never will. But I can write about it, express these things here. I have nobody to talk to about these feelings who has any hope of understanding. But maybe here. So forgive me for the rant. It had to go somewhere.

 

When it seems like no one cares
Like my efforts go unheard, unnoticed
Or I worry that they aren't making the impact I want them to
A message from a new friend makes it all worth while:

Dear Amber,
 
I must say that you are a terrific example and a true leader.  You stay humble and seek the support of your fellows.  I believe that is truly commendable.  It takes a great leader to have followers, and people are jumping on board to be a part of something extraordinary. 
 
I thank you for taking a chance on Jasmine and I, and allowing us to promote ME3.   It was an awesome opportunity. 
 
Wonderful things are taking place with ME3, and peoples lives are being changed.  That is truly inspiring.  Keep up the good Work. 
 
Catherine

I hope I can earn the high praise Catherine gave me at some point.

Hi Gaia family!

As some of you may know I am working hard to finish school over the next year and a half, and am doing what I can to get the funds together to do this. To that end I've applied for LOTS of scholarships, financial aid, and paid internships/part time jobs, but need all the help I can get to be able to pay the high costs of tuition, books/supplies, gas to get to school, and of course, to live!

My boyfriend put together the video, found at the link below, for me for the scholarship contest called "Why I Deserve A Scholarship". At this point, I need about 5,000+ votes to win. Individuals can vote once per day through July 10. I think catching up and surpassing the lead is possible - but not without your help!

You can help me by voting for me/my video here, once a day. Also, by asking your friends and others you know to vote for me as well - I need about 300 people to vote every day up to July 10 to have a chance - and I know it can be done.

Here is my video:

http://www.whyideserveascholarship.com/profile.php?videoID=242

If you know me well, you know I am a hard worker and that I have big goals. A scholarship won't be wasted on me, and can only help me reach my dreams faster. You can help me do this.

Thank you, everybody, for your love and support!

Amber

PS - The video may cut off half way through - the sitemaster is working on fixing that. It won't prevent you from voting for me! :)

Congratulations, 2008 Echoing Green Fellows! :)

www.echoinggreen.org/fellows/year/2008

Thank you for changing the world.