952029 is The Number of Awesomeness.

Why? Because it's the Course Number that students at Broughton High School in Raleigh will be able to choose next February when they register for the course ME³ designed to teach students about helping others, volunteerism, social issues, and community leadership: Community Service and Leadership. For 2 years we've been developing this course, consulting with others in the community, begging and pleading various public school officials, nagging them if they didn't reply to us quickly enough, going to meetings that got our hopes up only to have the project delayed, and revising our course goals.

This morning I met with the Broughton administrator whose been pulling for us throughout the past year, and two young teachers who are eager to teach the course. I was ecstatic to see how passionate they felt about this, too, and I just know it is going to be a spectacularly fun class for students to take. I wish I could go back to High School and take it!

What's next? Getting students to enroll. We need at least 25 students from Broughton to sign up for the course, and then it will be put in the schedule. The 'battle' isn't over - but this is a huge victory!

I'm gonna go do a jig.

I need to make a plea to everybody I know.

I've been trying to put into words this feeling all week: that voting is great, but it's not going to be enough. Voting is something we should all be doing, but it's only a good FIRST step towards Change - We can't stop there. I'm sorry if you think I'm asking too much, or if you think I'm naive or wrong. I have high hopes and expectations for everybody, and sorry, I'm not going to let that go.

It doesn't matter who we get into office, there is so much more to be done, and no one man - or woman - can solve all our problems. We shouldn't look to our new President as a savior, celebrity, or icon, but instead as the leader of a team - and we're the team. He can't change everything on his own.

I've been both fascinated and terrified by the energy surrounding this election on all sides. There's no doubt it's stirred up more enthusiasm than anything else I've seen in my lifetime. But my fear comes when I think about tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning, when it's all said and done, will you apply your lingering energy and enthusiasm to other important causes that need your help? I'm talking to you, and you, and you.

In class this morning, my English professor looked out over our room to 40 of us who were quiet, fidgety. She said, "You all are in a mood today. What's on your minds?"

"It's the most important day of the year," one student replied.
"Today, the world's going to change one way or another," said another.

My mind fought within itself, mostly exuberant and thrilled at such a show of concern with worldly affairs - but a part of me deeply worried that the caring, the energy, the fire to change the world for the better would be gone when I woke up tomorrow morning.

I need that energy still, we need that energy still. Please, please, please don't forget that energy. Please remember how good it felt for you, thinking back on the past few weeks, months, to be a part of something world-changing. And know that you can get that feeling again if you continue to participate in making the world better from here on out. There's so much to do, kids to mentor, homelessness to end, job skills to teach others, an environment to preserve, cancer to cure, human trafficking victims to save, cats and dogs to rescue, and people who need compassion and your kind words.

Country First, Yes We Can; Tomorrow, Change is coming, IF we don't stop here.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/04/opinion/04herbert.html?ref=opinion

The following is a conversation I had with a friend of mine who follows some rather eastern philosophies. Thoughts/inputs welcome.

Me: So, I have a question.
Friend: what up
Me: Do you think it's more wise and healthy to force yourself to learn to be alone/solitary/lonely, or to accept that humans get lonely and instead seek companionship?
Me: Like, to learn to just enjoy the company of yourself.
Friend: oh i see
Friend: i don't know
Friend: i figure get used to it for a while
Friend: and then find companionship
Me: I'm struggling with that a lot.
Me: I find myself very lonely these days. And one voice tells me, "Well good, learn how to just be alone and be at peace alone." and the other voice says, "Well why should you have to learn that? You can go out and be with other people."
Friend: yeah
Friend: i think it's a balance to be honest
Me: Part of me wonders if subjecting myself to loneliness on purpose is MORE unhealthy because, why let myself be unhappy? And the other part of me feels like building that sort of strength would be greatly beneficial for if I ever am in a situation where I have to be alone for awhile.
Friend: yeah that's why a balance is ideal
Friend: make sure you're not covering up inadequacy or insecurity by being with somebody
Friend: be okay alone but realize you don't NEED to be alone
Me: Yes, that's what I'd be worried about. That I'd go hang out with people just because of my fear of the alternative - being alone.
Me: I'd rather just not be afraid of stuff.
Friend: yeah that's the wrong reason
Me: But aren't all people afraid of being alone..?
Friend: of course
Me: So is it really a deficiency?
Friend: not really seeing as how we're social/tribal animals i guess
Me: So then why should I have to learn to be okay alone? *^_^ See the circle I'm talking myself into?
Me: If my natural human state is a social one, why force myself to do something against that?
Friend: i guess because you don't want to be overly dependent
Friend: doesn't mean other people don't provide a really important role
Me: I'm not sure I know how to balance it.
Me: Because.. if I don't -need- somebody else.. why be with somebody else?
Me: But.. it's healthier to be with them only if I don't -neeeeed- them?
Me: How do I teach myself to appreciate them and be with them and benefit from them without needing them? Because if I want to enjoy them don't I still need them in a sense?

"No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?"
"Me."

Finding yourself. Looking for something. Self-discovery.
Clichés.

What do they really mean? What am I looking for, where do I look, how will I know if I've found it? If I'm striving to be cookies, how will I know when I'm all cooked and solid and delicious? Is it a futile quest because nobody ever truly finds themselves in the span of a lifetime? Is 'finding yourself' a gift reserved for only some, or can any who look for it get it?

I made a list of questions I wanted to answer for myself weeks ago, in my first attempt at self-reflection, taking my first steps to become Cookies. When I answer them, and all others I have right now, will I be Cookies then? Or will I actually be Cookies when I'm at peace with not necessarily having those answers? What if me as Cookies means I'm a me who constantly questions? Oh God... my brain.

What constitutes a person, what constitutes me? Is it sufficient for me to be a list of traits, qualities, faults or quirks? Am I supposed to be something more? Am I more than the sum of my experiences plus genes? Do YOU know who YOU are? Is knowing who you are reflected in the decisions you make that convey elements of your character? If you lie to one person and are honest to the next, are you a liar or an honest person?

In the past few weeks, I've had the opportunities to make some choices, and I was reminded of some of the traits that I value in myself and others. I have been grateful for those opportunities; before, everything just felt numb, like things were happening around me but I was detached or couldn't feel anything about most events (with rare exceptions, like Eve Carson). Even when I did feel something it didn't quite feel real.

Now I feel everything. I don't like that much either. When it hurts, it really hurts. How can I learn to find the balance? To let the wisdom and patience and peace I know I'm capable of temper the rush of emotions I've been having?

That will be my task for the next few weeks.

...Advice welcome.

Every inch of me is drenched!
My muscles are sore.
My shoes are filled with rain water.

...I feel fantastic!

Tonight after weeks of procrastinating, I went to my very first parkour lesson. DURING A THUNDERSTORM. I am immensely proud of myself for going; I almost assumed it had been canceled due to the rain, but I knew I'd be disappointed with myself if I didn't drive all the way out there to see.

So no, it wasn't jumping out of a plane, but it was something I needed to do to overcome an obstacle - and ironically, that's how the parkour guy explained it. I realized exactly what he meant as he and another guy in a very CHEETAH-like, disgustingly gracefuly way, vaulted over countless barriers, jumped several feet onto railings and held their balance there, and climbed up walls.

"Now you do it." 

Ha! But that was the point. I was/am physically capable, it's the fear of heights/breaking a limb/dying a horrible death that held me back (heh). Parkour will serve as an interesting external metaphor for my internal battles. It's okay that I wasn't doing flips over stuff on my first time? *^_^ I went. *hugglyself!*

I think that's been my problem with things big and small in the past. I expect myself to do them perfectly the first time around, or I won't let myself try them at all. As a result I've probably missed out on some interesting experiences. But I'm getting better at this. :)

After some large recent changes in life, things are starting to morph and blossom. I am eager to see where the world takes me.

When somebody inspires or amazes me, I like to thank them by thinking of a small favor or deed I can do to make their lives easier or happier. I took a "Languages of Love" test once and it indicated that my "love language" was 'acts of service', meaning to make me feel most loved people help me with things! Perhaps this is why I try to do this for others. I hope they 'get it'. :)

I am pleased to say my Anthropology class is complementing my studies and work quite nicely, though one might not assume that it would from the get go. But understanding humanity better, especially culture and the development of culture, can only have good results when my goal in life is to essentially help develop a "culture of caring and community involvement" around me.

Some neat factoids I've picked up so far in anthropology class:

--A tribe in Ecuador practices head-hunting, meaning they go to another tribe, kill a man, and shrink his head over a fire to release his soul, which apparently they believe helps their own crops grow. Not only is this viewed as noble, none interfere with them nor impose moral/legal repercussions for what most Americans (and other cultures) would call 'murder'. Could this be proof of subjective morality? I should point out that these head-hunters are not allowed to ENJOY killing another person; enjoying the act would cause them to be viewed as a bit psychotic. Additionally, the act is considered noble because it is like a sacrifice to essentially feed your people. When looked at from this perspective, could the act be viewed almost like killing within a war - necessary to save your own people?

--A tribe in Africa (I forget the country/region she said) believes that looking at a baby too long is giving them the "evil eye" and causes the baby to become ill. The rationale is that admiring something is coveting it - and being jealous of it or wanting the baby for yourself is bad because envy in this culture is highly frowned upon. As a result this culture is also a very generous and communal one; the highest praise is given to those who GIVE the most - could this cultural trait be developed in cultures like our own?

--Americans are the only ones who switch hands to use a knife at the dinner table and put it down when they aren't using it. Apparently, this is because holding a knife for a prolonged period of time was considered to be an indication of violent intent in the colonial days, when political talks in pubs were quite heated. That is why we still do it today, and it's even found in our etiquette books.

All in all, very interesting. There seems to be a delicate balance and a fine line between appreciating, accepting, and living according to one's own culture and appreciating and accepting others. Europeans make fun of us for shaving, and we think they smell.

I am now reading a fascinating article for class about American Values. Perhaps I will write something about it later.

Each person needs something else, is touched by different things, finds comfort in different words.

I think the message that we are not powerless, that we have the ability to hear bad news and work to make something good of it, would be pervasive in anything I'd say to somebody overwhelmed by bad news.

What do you say when they say you aren't good enough? Do you explain how many hours you've put in? How many nights you couldn't sleep because your mind was filled with worries and ideas? Do you explain the friendships broken, the loneliness, the relationships strained because you focused too hard on your work? Do you describe the countless failures, the disappointments, the let downs, the mistakes and how each one crushed you more than the one before? Do you detail the multitudes of victories, small and big, and how far you've come, how proud you are to see yourself grow out of nothing? Do you beg them to consider the times you doubted yourself, and the times others believed in you? 

It's hard being the "middle child". I've succeeded just enough to be considered accomplished by some, but not quite enough to be considered accomplished by those who can take me further. Unlike some of today's emergent youth "social change prodigies", I didn't start when I was 9 (though had somebody just shown me the way...). I don't have hundreds of followers all over the world. I haven't raised millions of dollars (though if raising money was my main focus, so help me, it would have happened by now).

I keep saying, it's not too late, not by a long shot. I have plenty of time to make a big impact. I'm still young. But why haven't I done as much of these other people yet? I keep trying to figure out what the problem is. Do I lack the inherent intelligence? Do I lack the skills? What is my deficiency? Did I come from the wrong home? The wrong city? Was I born in the wrong time? Do I spend too much time relaxing? Are the moments I allow myself to breathe too much? Do I pay too much attention to people I care about? Not enough? Is my face, just, wrong? Am I seriously not working hard enough? What if I worked harder and I still didn't get ahead faster? If I work hard and succeed, will there be an unbearable cost?

I'd like to blame others, and circumstances I couldn't help. I'd like to blame Marvin for being manipulative and holding me back. I'd like to blame being poor as a kid. I'd like to be mad at people in school who never told me what the Key Club was. It'd probably be easier if I could just blame something other than myself, but I can't, really. And I'll have to get older knowing that anything I didn't do, anything I didn't accomplish, was because something was wrong with me or that something I was doing was wrong.

Mr. Butler always said, if you spend too much time looking behind at what everybody else is doing, by the time you turn back around they'll have whizzed past. But I don't feel like I dwell on this that much. Only when I get a little sting, a little reminder that I haven't changed the world quite yet, do I feel the need to express these things. I don't spend hours milling away, wallowing in self-pity. I work. I work hard. 

And it is hard work. I picked a doozy. "Promoting Volunteerism and Helping Others" isn't like helping the homeless or protecting the environment. In this business we have to be pioneers. We have to figure out what to say, what to do, how to be, the exact right combination of things and words and images that will help others to act. And it's different for every person. What takes longer, catching 1,000 fish and giving them out to the hungry? Or teaching 1,000 people to fish? I have to keep telling myself that, not beat myself up. This takes time. I've always been the type to want results now with everything from physical fitness to finishing school. 

So can I just give up, because it's hard? Duh, of course not. And I never will. But I can write about it, express these things here. I have nobody to talk to about these feelings who has any hope of understanding. But maybe here. So forgive me for the rant. It had to go somewhere.