Me...?
?""Me."
Finding yourself. Looking for something. Self-discovery.
Clichés.
What do they really mean? What am I looking for, where do I look, how will I know if I've found it? If I'm striving to be cookies, how will I know when I'm all cooked and solid and delicious? Is it a futile quest because nobody ever truly finds themselves in the span of a lifetime? Is 'finding yourself' a gift reserved for only some, or can any who look for it get it?
I made a list of questions I wanted to answer for myself weeks ago, in my first attempt at self-reflection, taking my first steps to become Cookies. When I answer them, and all others I have right now, will I be Cookies then? Or will I actually be Cookies when I'm at peace with not necessarily having those answers? What if me as Cookies means I'm a me who constantly questions? Oh God... my brain.
What constitutes a person, what constitutes me? Is it sufficient for me to be a list of traits, qualities, faults or quirks? Am I supposed to be something more? Am I more than the sum of my experiences plus genes? Do YOU know who YOU are? Is knowing who you are reflected in the decisions you make that convey elements of your character? If you lie to one person and are honest to the next, are you a liar or an honest person?
In the past few weeks, I've had the opportunities to make some choices, and I was reminded of some of the traits that I value in myself and others. I have been grateful for those opportunities; before, everything just felt numb, like things were happening around me but I was detached or couldn't feel anything about most events (with rare exceptions, like Eve Carson). Even when I did feel something it didn't quite feel real.
Now I feel everything. I don't like that much either. When it hurts, it really hurts. How can I learn to find the balance? To let the wisdom and patience and peace I know I'm capable of temper the rush of emotions I've been having?
That will be my task for the next few weeks.
...Advice welcome.







